I Feel Him Working

Don’t you just love those inexplicable quasi-crises that you find yourself in and you just know that God is at work?  I went home for the weekend and, at 11:30 on Friday night, I received a text message from my roommate saying that she was moving out and I had one month to find someone else.  I immediately went downstairs and woke up my mom to tell her because I didn’t know what to do or think.  Much to my happiness, my mom wasn’t mad and she helped calm me down.  The next morning, we called the landlord to find out what all we’re liable for, which as it turns out, amounts to nothing but the household bills.  It’s definitely a challenge and will call for some scrimping, but we can manage.

My mom has been absolutely amazing through all of this.  She came back to my rent house with me on Sunday and we painted and moved my stuff into the larger room and rearranged things and reorganized things.  I could not have done that work all by myself.  She spent the night at the house.  Then she stayed most of Monday cleaning and doing other things while I went to class.

I’m choosing not to be upset by this whole thing.  I look back and I can see moments when God was trying to get my attention regarding this situation.  For example, before I moved in my roommate and her best friend approached me about her moving out and I declined, thinking that things were going to be fine.  Obviously, someone knew better.

I am choosing to see the possibilities with this new challenge.  When I signed the lease, I was still trying to be someone that I’m not and I got swept up by the perceived excitement.  Now that I can better see who I really am, I see the mistake.  But now I have the chance to find a roommate that better suits my personality.  I don’t expect to become best friends with my new roommate, but I have the opportunity to room with someone who has major common traits, such as faith and similar sleeping habits.

I know that God is going to take care of the situation.  And I know how God has blessed me.  I know many people do not have this kind of a relationship with their mom.  I am very very fortunate.  Even after she left, she was great.  She’s been unbelievably supportive, saying that I could call her whenever I need and she keeps reminding me that God has a bigger and better plan.

I have so much proof of God being an amazing force in my life that I can’t help feeling strong.  He has brought so many good people into my life, some I have known and lost contact with and some that I’m just getting to know.  But I feel that these people are bringing me closer to God, which is not something I can say about the people I chose to hang out with last year.  That is not a condemnation of them, but an unflattering look at my past decisions.  More on that some other time though…

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Direction

Something negative happened to me yesterday, but rather than confront the person with it, I’m just going to ignore it because all they wanted was attention.

I’ve decided that I no longer feeling like dwelling on the negative things in life, be they minor (like forgetting to read a segment of Daily Light) or major (silly problems with my roommate).  If I dwell on them, then it’s just giving the Devil (and any human who does something) more ammunition.  They just want attention.  And I’m not gonna give it to them, so they may as well go away.  I’m going to surround myself with people who are good forces in my life and bring out the better in me.  I know that I can’t shut out everyone who brings negativity into my life, but I can drastically cut down on the amount of time I spend with them and their influence over me.

I heard something in one of my classes today that I hadn’t heard for a long time.  “Sometimes the best revenge is to live a good life.”  And that is so true!  Very often, just being a good person will frustrate those trying to bring you down more than getting back at them.  It also helps make the world a better place by allowing less evil, less maliciousness, less negativity into it.  This also brings to mind the saying “Kill them with kindness.”  I’m not a saint, so I don’t think that’s going to be possible in every instance.  But I can choose to not succumb to a low level of dignity.
I can’t control someone.  No matter how often I may wish that I could, it’s simply not in the cards for me.  But I can control how I act and how I respond.  Those are perfectly within my realm of power.  And I choose, right now, to act and respond with dignity and respect, trying to limit the times when I cannot control myself, thus playing right into the enemy’s hands.

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Light in the Evening

My reminder for Daily Light worked!  As I read this evening’s passage, I was struck by how much it related to my problems for today.  It was about moving mountains.  If I really believe God can move mountains, it will be done.  If I believe He will move my personal mountains, which are really molehills to Him, it will be done.  I had to smile once I read it because I knew I needed to hear those words.  I dashed off a quick prayer asking for help moving some of the mountains in my life.  But it also says that if two or more people ask for and want the same thing, it will be done.  So, here are my mountains, I’d love to have your prayers on them:

Self-doubt, a feeling of inadequacy in the real world, problems with my roommate and her boyfriend, grades, and changing people’s perceptions (rather living in a way that will change people’s perceptions, as we have freewill and God won’t change how someone feels).

I should probably explain some of those mountains.  I feel like people in the English department at my school don’t really respect me.  They think of me as a busybody, who can’t be taken seriously as a human being.  It wears on me that I’ve been cast as the “happy girl” because the happy girl is expected to be carefree and not worry about people taking them seriously.  I can’t express how much the little digs at my intelligence hurt.  I can’t express how much it hurts to have people think all I care about is my next boyfriend or some other inane thing as that.  They don’t understand that I worry about going to law school and how it’s going to be paid for, among other things.  The surprise in the professor’s voice when I said something about preparing for the LSATs cut right to the core of things.

I am so scared right now that I can’t prove them wrong.  I’m afraid that they’ll be right about me.  And I don’t know how I’ll be able to stand the feeling of disappointment it will create.

I’d better hit the books so I can be right.  Ciao!

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Where Are You?

I got moved into my new house and it’s just as I feared: I don’t feel God anymore.  It’s not that I’ve hauled off and indulged in debauchery.  But I feel so alone.  I know that it’s partly my fault for not seeking Him with every breath I take.  However, in those moments of seeking that I do experience, I don’t feel satiated.

Daily Light arrived the day I left home.  I’ve managed to do the morning reading on two occasions (yesterday and today) but I forgot about there being an evening reading.  Hopefully I shan’t forget tonight.  I’ve considered setting an alarm, but that seems so forced!  But maybe that’s what I need and soon enough I’ll remember without my alarm.  That’s generally how one gets into a habit.  They have to be reminded before they remember without the aids.  It’s like waking up early.  The first several days, you’re not used to it, but eventually it becomes natural.

What do you think?

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Apologies

I apologize for the erratic nature of my posting as of late.  I went on a short trip to Dallas to watch a couple of baseball games with my dad and I’ve been getting ready to go back to school, both of which have been taxing.  I’m also in a funk about leaving again.  Part of me is ready to get back out on my own, but I’ll miss my parents, especially my mom.  I’m not the best at forming and maintaining friendships, so my mom is, by default, my best friend nowadays.  I have two other good friends.  My roommate from last year has been amazing about helping me get moved into my house.  She and I talk throughout the day while I’m at work.  My roommate from this year has proven to be a lot more in line with what I want for the year than I originally expected.  Our next door neighbor is a very wise young woman, but I haven’t seen her in a long time, so I don’t feel very close to her right now.

I haven’t been very good about reading my Bible or learning my Italian or exercising.  I do have a plan, but we’ve seen how wonderfully my past plans have worked out.  I ordered, and am waiting for, Daily Light, which I think will be a nice little slice of God’s Word twice-daily.  Italian is going to have to take a long hiatus because I’m picking up French again, after over a year off, and I’m very rusty on my French.  Since I’ll be getting a grade for French, I need to focus more on that.  Exercising…I’ve been trying to eat healthy for at least two meals a day when I can.  I’ve been drinking a lot of water.  But I’m not being active.  Once school starts, I’m going to force myself to walk every day because I really don’t want to be a blob.  And my parents are not going to pay for cable ( we can’t find a good deal on it) so I won’t have the TV to watch, except for movies.

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Better Place

I haven’t read the Bible in a couple of days.  I haven’t read A Lady in Waiting either.  Nor have I pondered one of the psalms.  I don’t want to offer excuses, but I’ve been awfully wiped after getting off of work and I’ve been really tired, so I’ve been sleeping in.  I know I should make time for God each day, but I haven’t been doing that.  I still feel blessed and like I’m in a better place.  I still feel God working in my life, bringing things together, and making the pieces fit together, which is far more than I deserve.

I really do feel like I’m in a better place now.  I feel more secure in who I am and where I want to go, even though I don’t have many definites about my future, just some vague idea.  I feel so much stronger and happier than I was even 5 months ago.  I have definitely healed in my summer solitude.  I only hope I can continue this happiness during the school year.

Last night I spoke with my roommate for about an hour and a half.  We had a really good talk.  We talked about our concerns with the future and goals that we have for the upcoming year.  We discussed things that happened in the past and caught up on situations that were previously problematic.  I know that she isn’t going to be participating in a completely drunken hedonistic lifestyle.  But I figure that she won’t be going to church either.  I would love for her to start going to church and everything, but I think I can live with her this year, knowing that she isn’t going to be holding drunken orgies at our house.

That’s about all I have to say, other than my dad and I will be going out of town for a couple of days to catch a couple of baseball games.  Hopefully I’ll be able to post something on Friday or Saturday.

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Hard Time

I’m having a really hard time tonight over some news I learned earlier.  It’s nothing catastrophic, but it is really disappointing.  Last year I worked as an editor for a yearly publication at my college.  Admittedly most of my problems from last year came about from hanging out with the people who worked on this publication.  But I also did quite a bit of hard work.  I really wanted to be the head editor when the position became available.  Ultimately, I quit because I wasn’t enjoying the position anymore and I was given the opportunity to be President of the English club.  I found out tonight that the girl I’m living with next year, whom I introduced to all of the people on the staff of this publication, is not only taking over the publication, but she’s turning it into a bigger and better project and deciding not to publish the issue that I worked on.  I understand that that issue was very late in coming out and the writing in it was horrible for the most part.  But I still put a lot of work into it and I’m so beyond bummed that my work was all for nothing.

I know that if I hadn’t have had a falling out with the people on the staff and quit, my roommate wouldn’t be getting this chance to make a successful magazine.  And not only is my work not going to waste, but I am now in charge of an organization that is seen as a joke within the English department.  I’m looking at this and seeing an insurmountable task.  How on earth am I going to make this club successful?

Earth is the key word.  There is no way on earth that I can make this successful.  I’m going to have to pray about it.

I’m also worried that people see me as a joke too because they all viewed last year’s president as a bit of a joke as well.  It’s so weird because in high school, everyone thought I was so smart and they took me seriously.  When I spoke, people listened to what I had to say, rather than ignoring me or laughing it off the way they do now.  I’m sure that I’m partly to blame for it, somehow, but I don’t know what else to do anymore.  I’m nearing the end of my rope.  The only way I can go is up.  It’s just getting there that is the problem.

I really didn’t want to do this on my blog, but please pray for me.  I am so lacking in self-confidence, both as far as the English Club is concerned and just in general, right now that I’m not sure where to begin.

Yesterday in my daily reading of John, I came across my favorite verse.  It’s not my favorite because I find guidance from it, but it intrigues me.  “At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him”–John 6:66.

I find it so intriguing that this verse about Jesus being abandoned has the numbers 666 in it.

I wonder how they decided where to make a verse start and stop, especially if it’s within a sentence.  And some verses are more than one sentence long.  Any ideas?

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